Keeping a Secret chapter 6

Shen had become a veteran of extremely awkward moments. Between conversations with Xun, Po, and the occasional random traveler who recognized him as an insane warlord, he had weathered many agitated silences and uncomfortable discussion topics. But being caught sneaking into the cottage of two people whose lives he had destroyed on the same day didn't just feel like an awkward moment. It felt like the awkward moment that all other awkward moments aspired to be as awkward as.

Kurisu had dashed into the house as soon as she had heard that both her brother and Lady Biming were inside, completely ignoring the fact that sneaking into another person's home was not the most legal thing in the world to do. Shen had followed hurriedly, grabbing her and trying to pull her back, but it was too late – she'd already made her presence known. And now both pandas had risen to their feet and were gaping at their unexpected visitors. Po was giving Kurisu a semi-glare, but Lady Biming wasn't even paying attention to the kitten…her eyes were locked on Shen in complete, paralyzed terror.

The funny thing was, he was pretty sure that he had the same expression on his face as he stared back at her.

"What are you DOING here?" Po demanded, crouching down so that he could look into Kurisu's eyes while he semi-glared at her.

"What are YOU doing here?" she shot back angrily, crossing her arms.

"Um, I came here to find my mom! What, did you and Shen follow me?!" Po's green eyes lifted to the peacock, and Shen's head feathers flattened completely. He was too shell-shocked to explain his logic at the moment.

"Not just them," another voice tentatively remarked, and Shen swiveled around sharply to find that Xun and the soothsayer were standing behind him. Good gods in the heavens and hell, was everyone trying to make a trend of breaking and entering?!

Po stared at the foursome as if they were a bunch of party-crashers who were ruining his birthday, which wasn't too far from the truth. "This was SUPPOSED to be PRIVATE!" he proclaimed.

Shen's voice finally decided to start working, although it was dull and conducted every bit of the apprehension that he felt. "As long as we're here…Nana, you should go say hello. I'm going back outside."

He stood and walked out briskly, not turning back to look at Lady Biming, whose eyes were still frozen on him in fear. After a moment's consideration, Xun followed his friend, realizing that the head of the army that had destroyed the panda village probably wasn't any more welcome than Shen.

Kurisu tried to go after them, but Po grabbed her arm and hissed, "Kurisu, don't be rude!"

"But they are…" she pointed out with some confusion.

Po released a short, huffing breath. Kurisu and Shen had been inseparable for the past two and a half years or so, and while this was normally a good thing because it meant that Po didn't have to be troubled with looking after his little sister, right now it was just inconvenient. "Shen is kind of…not wanted at the moment. Come on, I want you to meet my mom!"

Kurisu hesitantly followed her brother over to the other side of the table, where the soothsayer had already trotted over to excitedly greet Lady Biming. Biming was only just beginning to snap herself out of her panic, and was returning her old friend's greetings with smiles that looked shaken and slightly fake. "Mom, this is Kurisu…my little sister," Po announced.

Biming took a look at Kurisu and blinked. "She's…a cat."

"Duly noted, ma'am!" snapped Kurisu, her ears flattening even further. Po elbowed her in the side.

"And our dad's a goose," he pointed out. "You find that strange?"

"Oh, no, I shouldn't," Biming answered hurriedly. "After all, family has never been restricted between species…" She smiled at the kitten, returning to her normal, motherly self, and Kurisu had the decency to offer a small, genuine smile in return.

"This is where you've been this whole time, Biming?" asked the soothsayer, gazing around her at the plain but cheerful cottage. "Just two days away from us, and we didn't even realize it."

"I wish I had known, Min Yun," agreed Biming.

Po's brow furrowed, but just as he prepared to ask the obvious question, Kurisu nudged him and whispered, "Min Yun is Nana's name."

"Oh," he replied quietly. He had never much thought about the soothsayer having a name, but then again, everyone had to have a name, didn't they?

"It seems quite lonely out here, though," said the soothsayer offhandedly.

Biming sighed. "Lonely really is the best way to describe it," she concurred sadly.

"Well…" Po couldn't stand to see his mother's eyes grow all sad, so he enthusiastically contributed, "Maybe you can come home with us!"

"I…" Biming hesitated.

Suddenly feeling foolish, he hastily added, "If…if you want to." The thought of his mother staying here had never occurred to him; but then again, she had a home and a career in this village, and it wasn't his right to take her away from that.

"Oh, darling, that's not what I meant." She sighed and came forward, gently kissing his forehead again. "I do want to come with you, but…you have a family there. I can't impose…"

"Mom, you're not imposing!" Po sounded appalled at that very train of thought. "Everyone that came here today isn't even half of our supremely weird family. You can be a part of it! And you're already part of MY family…you're my mom."

"Isn't…isn't he there, though?" Biming asked softly.

"Who?"

Her eyes darted towards the window before they lowered, flickering with fear. "Him…"

"Oh…" Po exhaled, finally realizing that she meant Shen. Of course she'd be afraid of him; she'd seen him go psychotic and murder her entire village. But he was struck by a sudden idea: hadn't she known him before then? Po could clearly recall Shen saying that Biming had done something for him when he'd attempted to explain why he had spared her, and also remembered a mention of "our parents were friends" during the babysitting story. He'd meant to ask his mother about this, but it had slipped his mind; of course, judging by her reactions now, it probably would have upset her, and that was the last thing he wanted.

All he could say was, "He won't bother you, mom."

"He's changed!" Kurisu contributed, also having realized who they were talking about.

Biming still looked rather uncertain.

"Please…" Po gripped her hand. "I don't wanna lose you again…"

"I…I'm not sure, Bao – Po," she quickly corrected herself. "I'll have to think about it."

He nodded, realizing that that was going to be the best answer that he got right now. "I guess we'll have to stay overnight in the village, then."

"That won't be a problem." Now Biming was smiling again. "I've got plenty of extra beds. I am a healer, after all."

Po grinned. "Awesome! But, uh…" His bright green eyes darted towards the door. "Would you excuse me for a moment, Mom? I think there's something I need to take care of…"

***

It was quite cold outside; the wind had picked up, and Shen felt it bite into his skin, effortlessly slicing through the covering of his feathers and robe. He tried to keep from shivering, but it wasn't easy. Xun was more or less fine; after all, the wolf had a thick coating of fur to keep him warm. But his keen eye noticed how cold his friend was. For the past ten minutes, he had been trying to convince the peacock to go back inside.

"I'm not w-welcome there," Shen was insisting, his beak chattering. "Besides, I'm f-f-fine…"

"Shen, you know you'll get sick if you stay out here in the cold," Xun contradicted.

"Then I d-d-deserve it," Shen replied bitterly. "I don't b-belong in there." Shen had managed to somewhat fix one thing, by indirectly leading Po back to his mother, but some things he couldn't change. Biming was always going to be afraid of him, and she had a right to be.

"Excuse me, Shen," a new voice interrupted.

Shen jerked around on his talons, only to find the last person he expected to want to talk to him – Po. He went rigid, and his eyes seemed to have forgotten how to blink. He didn't say anything.

"I need to talk to you," said Po carefully, making a gesture to show that they should go around the side of the house and away from Xun's prying ears.

Shen silently obliged and followed the panda, shivering in his thin hemp robe, and they both pressed close to the cottage wall to avoid the worst of the wind chill. "First of all," Po began, "Why did you follow me?"

"Because Kurisu was going to follow you and I couldn't let her go on her own." Shen rubbed his shoulders, trying to make his blood flow faster. "Everyone else sort of…followed us."

"But how did you know I was going to find my mom?"

"I'm not stupid." Shen sighed, and his breath formed a slight steam in front of him. "I should have expected that this would happen when I told you. I would have reacted the same way."

Po paused, and it was obvious that he was struggling for a way to make the subject change he was about to inflict more seamless. "So…" Finally deciding to just run with it, he asked, "I know that you knew my mom before…that. How?"

"You really want to know?" Shen's crest flattened. "Apart from me babysitting you, she was my healer when I was a child. If she hadn't treated me, I most likely would have died during infancy. And when I was older, she was one of the only people that understood my resentment towards my parents. But she knew I was a monster." He abruptly turned away, his voice ringing with an ancient ache. "She always knew."

Po wanted to say, "My mom would never think you were a monster," but he couldn't, for the simple reason that he didn't know what his mother might be thinking right now. She had watched Shen grow up, but also watched him instigate a massacre; now everyone was telling her that he had reformed, when she'd seen almost nothing of him herself. That was a lot to deal with.

"You're not a monster, Shen," he said, and slowly walked away.

Shen sank down into a sitting position against the side of the house, lowering his head. His eyes were stinging, but he wasn't going to let the tears fall…he was so cold right now that they'd probably freeze on his face, anyway.

***

Biming appeared at the door to the cottage soon after, calling them all inside. She said that everyone was welcome to come into her home for the night, although she said it with great uncertainty. Xun reluctantly accepted the invitation and went in, but Shen did not. He watched everyone enter the warm house and felt cold and alone and like he deserved it.

As small as the cottage was, it actually had three bedrooms. The two on the lower floor were for patients, and had been made up with two clean bed mats each; the bedroom up on the loft was Biming's, and though it normally contained only one bed, she had added a second one so that she could accommodate all of her visitors. "So, you're sure you don't mind us spending the night?" Po asked again as he saw her fervently working to get everything ready.

"Darling, you're my son!" she exclaimed. "Of course I don't mind!"

"Still, I didn't expect to be followed."

She chuckled. "Well, really, if your family is as big as you say it is, you should have expected that…"

Biming organized the sleeping arrangement efficiently, as if she was used to doing such things. The first room on the ground floor would be occupied by Kurisu and the soothsayer, while the second would be for Xun and Shen (as she was fairly certain that the peacock would slip inside at some point during the night; he couldn't stay out in the cold forever). "As for you, darling," she told Po, "I'm afraid you'll have to sleep with me, as I haven't got any more rooms. I hope you don't mind…"

"I don't mind at all," he responded, smiling, and she took his paw and led him upstairs.

The loft room was by far the smallest bedroom in the house, but it was also the most airy, with nothing but a banister enclosing it on one side. You could see almost everything that was going on downstairs from up here, which Po supposed came in handy if you were a healer and dealing with multiple guests. The blankets on the bed his mother had made up for him smelled as clean as if they had just been freshly laundered. He felt comfortably tired and ready for a good night's rest; all in all, he couldn't imagine a better way to end the day.

"Thanks for all this, Mom," he said, hugging her for what felt like the umpteenth time that day. "I love you…"

"I love you too, my beautiful little jade," she murmured, tenderly smoothing back his fur.

Po blinked. "'Little jade'?" he repeated. She laughed.

"That's what I used to call you when you were a cub," she explained. "Your old name, Bao Yu, means 'precious jade.' So I always called you my little jade. You probably find it too sappy now, though…"

"Nah, I don't care," he said with a grin, and she smiled gratefully.

He fell asleep easily that night, comfortable in his bed and soothed by the sound of his mother's breathing next to him, filled with a sense of complete inner peace from head to toe.

***
The next morning dawned sunny but cold, the start of a bright, chilly day. Everyone in Lady Biming's cottage on the outskirts of the village was in a decidedly cheerful mood, except for one person…and technically he wasn't IN the cottage at all.

Po felt almost giddy with happiness when Biming awoke him with a loving proclamation of, "Rise and shine, little jade," and insisted on making her favorite breakfast for her, even though she'd initially wanted to cook herself. She soon enough agreed, though, and her son started making up some breakfast spring rolls, asking her to please gather up everyone in the kitchen for the meal.

Biming went to wake up Kurisu, which wasn't much of a problem at all; she loved children and the kitten was quickly warming to her. She was iffier with Xun, remembering how he had almost killed Po on the night of the attack, but fortunately he was already up. He was very nervous when she told him to go to the table, noting the slight frost of iciness in her expression. She didn't look afraid, though; apparently he looked a lot less threatening than Shen these days.

Shen was, of course, the one guest that Biming was dreading to see. She was slightly confused, however, when she realized that he had never come inside last night. He was really that sensitive to not wanting to upset her? Kurisu, the soothsayer, and even Po had all put in good words for the peacock, so of course she wasn't about to disregard the possibility of his reformation completely. She found herself hoping that he had at least found some warmth out there.


So taking a deep breath, she went to the door and popped her head out into the crisp air. "Shen…breakfast."

There was no response.

She waited a moment, then called a bit louder, "Come on, Shen…"

After a few seconds, she saw the peacock's graceful figure emerging from around the side of the house…although he didn't look particularly graceful at the moment. He was walking funny – staggering, by the looks of it, and moving at a painfully slow pace. Her eyes narrowed.

As she watched, Shen stumbled and fell. He didn't get up again, and began to cough. It was an awful sound, bringing to her mind an image of choked-off, fluid-filled lungs…

Without a second thought, Biming hurried over to him. He saw her coming and attempted to stand, but his body proved to be inadequate to the task. She gripped his wing and helped him to his feet, beginning to lead him inside. "Oh dear…I should have known, I should have!..." she muttered to herself. This was just like when he was a child, and he had run off into the rain or the cold without permission; he'd always fall ill and she'd be called in to help him…

"I'm fine," Shen tried to get out, but a cough burst through his words and made them almost unintelligible. Fortunately, Biming understood, but she knew that they were a lie.

"You are not fine, Sheng Li, and you are lying down the moment we get inside!" she declared fiercely, sounding less like a fearful and traumatized woman and more like a stern mother.

She gripped his arm as she led him into the cottage, for if she hadn't been doing so, then he would have pulled away from her and most probably collapsed. As soon as they were inside, Shen let out a harsh, hacking cough that wracked his entire frame. "Shouldn' be helpin' me…don' deserve it…" he mumbled.

Biming rattled around in her wooden chest of medical supplies with her free hand, pulling out a container of cough elixir. "Shen, shut up and" – she stuffed the medicine into his mouth – "drink this."

She half-expected him to spit it out, like he'd done when he was a chick, but instead he gulped it down with a grimace and sagged even more against her. She quickly got him into the room that he was meant to be sharing with Xun and laid him in bed. As she pulled the blankets up over him, he managed to choke out through his coughs, "You d-don' need to help me…"

"That's quite enough," Biming told him crossly, beginning to mix herbs to use as a fever reducer.

"You think I'm…avoiding…medicine?" He coughed again, his body convulsing and shivering. "I know you..d-didn'…want me here…"

"Well, dear," said Biming, "I'll be perfectly honest. You killed my parents, my siblings, my friends, my neighbors, and my village. No, I did not really want you here…" And drawing a handkerchief out of her pocket, she dabbed at his forehead in a gentle way that stood in stark contrast to her words.

"E-exactly…you know I'm a m-m-monster…" he rasped, drawing his blankets tighter as another feverish shiver rolled through him. "So don't help me…"

"Darling, shut up and sleep," she ordered affectionately, looking at him with nothing but sympathy in her green eyes.

"I don't…understand…" he coughed weakly. "You know I'm a monster…you always knew…"

Biming reached over and smoothed his feathers, and Shen closed his eyes wearily. The touch felt good, even though he knew he didn't deserve it. "No, dear. You were not ALWAYS a monster," she said softly. "And you aren't anymore."

"How do you know?" he demanded, and he sounded so pouty and childishly hurt that she had to chuckle.

"Because you're crying, dear," she answered, and dabbed at the tears beneath his eyes that he hadn't even realized were there. "Monsters don't cry."

And Shen realized that she was right, because holding in his pain – not crying – was what had turned him into a psychopath in the first place. Biming had known that, too. He remembered her comforting him during his Nana's illness, telling him that he wasn't a bad omen, pleading with him to not hold in his tears…

He opened his eyes again, and she met them without even a hint of fear anymore. Those red eyes were filled to the brim with tears and horrible guilt, but other than that they were clear. They were not repressing pain and hatred and insanity the way they had been when she'd last seen them. Everything about him seemed to be laid out in his eyes, and she no longer had a doubt in her mind that he'd reformed. "You've already done too much," he whispered.

She shook her head. "No…I've done just enough."

"I c-can never pay back what I owe you…"

"At least you're finally sorry for it…"

Hot tears spilled down his cheeks, and he didn't make a single motion to hide them. "You have n-no idea…"

She smoothed his feathers tenderly, and he winced as a painful cough rose from his chest. "Why are you doing this…" he croaked.

"Shen, I have always cared for you…ever since you were a chick," she told him.

"I kn-know that…but I don't know…why you still feel…compelled to help me…" The words were becoming harder to pull now, held down by sickness and exhaustion (he'd barely slept at all last night).

"Because…" She wrung out her cloth, setting her lips together firmly. "Because I still care for you."

"But why?!" Shen pushed himself up, as much as he could, his face tightening in agony, but he managed not to collapse. "I d-don' deserve it….I've done nothing…but hurt you…i-if I die…I deserve…" Suddenly he broke out in an awful coughing fit, crumpling back down on the bed.

Instead of responding, Biming wrapped her arms around him and hugged him.

Shen didn't have the energy to tense up, or even hug her back. He could only slump there despondently in her arms, his face slightly pressed against her shoulder. Tears continued to roll down his face, but somehow, he felt oddly comforted. He breathed in her scent – potent herbal tea and growing crops, just as he remembered. It was nice to know that if everything else had changed, at least Lady Biming hadn't.

He must have started nodding off, because he hardly realized it as Biming laid him down again and tucked him in as if he were a child, and he didn't hear it at all as she murmured lovingly, "It's all right, dear. I forgive you," before closing the door to his room.